I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
