just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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