My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
