Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
