i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
