Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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