Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
