I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
