Don't make out with my wife yet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
