I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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