i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
