uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
