i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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