I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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