She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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