Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
