i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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