Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
