some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
