I need help removing her.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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