somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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