I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
