You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
