my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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