Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
