Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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