he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
