You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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