that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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