I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
