nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
