dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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