It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
