True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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