he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
