We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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