I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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