Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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