Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When are your genitals available?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
