Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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