highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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