My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
