Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
