I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
