i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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