Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
