I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
