woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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