Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
