I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
