I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
