i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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