it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
