i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
being pregnant is like rehab
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
