i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
