if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
