He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
