Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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