You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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