I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
